Snow Mobile
Friday March 15th 2013, 3:45 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Snow lay all around this morning
That wonderful peaceful lack of sound
When you open the door
The cab was chugging away in the driveway
And bear in mind
Normally in the snow
The London cab is a completely useless brick
But to my great surprise
Snow tyres have turned it into a virtual snowmobile
It’s a worthwhile lesson
To all those people abandoning their cars
To all those stuck in a hedge
Just buy two spare wheels
And put some winter tyres on them
Keep them in the shed
It’s only for the drive wheels see
It’s all you need

I drifted straight down to the station
No cabs and a queue of around thirty
One man got in
(you think they would organise themselves into a share in these conditions)
We were heading straight out of town along the coast
A journey he should have taken last night
But there was a transport collapse
Followed by a stay in a hotel
We discussed this and the weather for the first five minutes
But at the end of each paragraph
I felt that I sounded dumb
Like I was a thick cabbie
There was another quick exchange
Again…Mr Stupid
What had happened to my speech
I had another stab
Thought I would pull something a little more intellectual out of the bag
Back to the weather
I mentioned that I had been looking at the wind patterns
As part of the anti-cyclone
But half way through it was inarticulate toffee
Shit…maybe there is something wrong with me
Maybe I am becoming stupid
Perhaps this job makes you stupid
Is it possible that the great Fred Housego is now stupid
I mean despite his media career
He still kept driving cabs

No Spencer
Your just a bit worn out
Twelve days on the trot

I rolled up at the church rank
Bryan said hello from his window
But I was distracted by some bunting and flowers behind the shelter
“Who’s died?” I said
‘Me…I have’ said Bri
I got out to have a look
Oh…seems one of the dossers had died
There was a teddy bear pinned to the tree
Below which were sporadically placed messages
They seemed a tad more eloquent than me today
Seems he was a father
There were no drunk jokes
The one from his wife was the biggest
She seemed keen to join him…’soon’ as she put it
I returned to the cab
‘I am dead’ continued Bri
‘Here!’ he passed me a letter through the window
I turned it the right way up
It was a letter from Santander…declaring him dead
Including a detailed list of debts that needed paying by his estate
“Well you look alright to me Bri”
‘That’s the second time in the last six months that they’ve killed me off’
‘They gave me £500 in compensation last time’
‘I’ve got an appointment at three to sort it out’
“Don’t go…cancel it”
“Go and see one of those No Win No Fee lawyers”
“If they offered you £500 without you asking and then did it a second time”
I could see him glazing over
What I was saying was too ‘out of his box’
I pressed him
But all I could see was meek blankness
Don’t get me wrong
I am no fan of the No Win No Fee carousel
But where a bank is concerned
“You’ve got to cancel Bri” I tried again
A customer got in and killed the exchange
He’s always whingeing about being skint
Maybe he should join me
In whingeing about being stupid

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