On The Radio?
Tuesday June 23rd 2009, 3:45 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I dont think so
Is the reply to the reply from Jeremy Vine
Appearing on Radio 2
To discuss growing cannabis
And how to spot a grow

To begin with
I rarely give a good account of myself in these situations
I know enough about myself
To know that I am a pure observer
A ‘behind the scenes man’
And in any case
There is very little that you can tell the public
About how to spot a grow
A small amount of cannabis is grown outside in the UK
One reason this can succeed
Is because nobody is going to spot it growing
And that is because
Nobody is looking for it
It’s just a green object against a green background
For the most part
This applies to the indoor grow
The police usually catch a grower
When they make a mistake
For example
There is a system failure that causes a flood
Whilst nobody is in attendance
This must be the most popular flaw
Because grows are left unattended for long periods
And rely on a constant flow of pumped water
Other problems involving power and fires are much rarer
If the growers remain tight together
No intelligence will leak
And the only trip up will be a mistake

You would think one of the main problems for the grower would be the smell
Ganja does have a pungent smell
But these days it is taken care of
Even if this fails
They still have a chance
Because the public
Those who may leap to the phone to call the police
Don’t have any idea what it smells like

One of the main problems with detecting a ganja supply
Is that the street level dealing
Is mostly done
On a very friendly…trustworthy basis
It would be difficult to infiltrate
Unlike the world of Heroin and Coke
Which is more ad hoc and on the street

I am pretty sure
If the cops paid me an enormous sum of money
To lead the way
That I could make a serious dent in the drugs trade in my city
Just kidding of course
But that is the main point
It’s money
I know for some time
The drug squad around here was pretty small
All of the busts that you saw in the paper
Were complete accidents
I don’t think that is the case now
But they still don’t have the personpower
To follow all the characters around
That are going to lead them to the source
It would be like trying to follow a massive ‘Where’s Willy puzzle’

Getting all sensational on radio 2
Is all about drama
For the radio and the listeners
The cops can puff up their chests
And look like they are doing something
While some poor bugger who lives down your street
Becomes the centre of attention
Because he likes to keep his curtains closed

There was some great forum reaction to this show
Across the net
It was wonderfully sarcastic
And if Mr Vine does read that far into comments
He would surely feel a little dumb
From that disadvantage point in the middle of the road
A little life in the gutter
Does more good than harm
When trying not to sound daft

Off my Radio
Thursday June 11th 2009, 12:11 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

As I drove up to Haywards Heath today
I was listening to Radio 2
It was only because I was in a bad radio zone
Jeremy Vine
What else can I say
Well I can say this
That when you are behind the mike
Being fed stuff from your researchers
That you have to articulate to the public
You should make sure that it’s on the ball
Today he was spouting the opening line
How to know… when you are living next door
To a Canabis Factory
Well of course
This is something I know plenty about
Jeremy continued
Apparently watch out for people doing building work
Especially knocking down walls
He then went on to say
That some of the growers simply cover the floor with soil
(this fact is complete rubbish)
(this fact is of no use to the public)
And there is so much heat being produced
That it can be seen above from police helicopters
(this fact is of no use to the public)
(I have never heard of anyone being caught this way)

The actual subject matter started to become irrelevant
As I sat there looking through the Radio 2 bullshit
There had been no real research going on
He was just pumping out sensationalist lines
I wondered if this happened every day
As an expert
Sitting inadvertantly near to a R2 broadcast
(Because they would’nt surely advertantly)
Hears a string of nonsense coming from Mr Vine
Every day
Jeremy Vine talking complete rubbish
I thought of the people who listen to this stuff and go along with it
Even calling the show
To help Vine talk more rubbish
Then joined by a commentator
The commentator…the caller…Vine
A carnival of rubbish
I heaved a sigh thick with tedium
As I broke into range of some decent radio
Get the fuck off my radio!!!

Wednesday June 03rd 2009, 12:48 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I would like to apologize to Andy Murray
I feel that your defeat at Roland Garros yesterday
Was my fault
You had just pulled a set back
And looked in control
So I decided to go and get the Hire car that I had booked
I shouldn’t have gone
You didn’t win a game until I returned
Maybe I am the fine membrane between grand slam victory
And defeat
I will stay next time
In any case
Gonzalez was outstanding
And he did make you look a bit shit
You should put your feet up
And watch what should be an outstanding semi
Between in-form conquerer of Nadal
And the devastating Gonzalez
You would only have spoiled it Andrew

The Madman
Monday June 01st 2009, 8:40 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Some theatrical drunk guy was sat in the front seat the other day
He kept on about creative pursuits
When we got onto to blogging
He said “What’s it like having a blog?”
I said “A blog is like a shit!”
“Throughout the week…it builds up…until you get the urge”

Having the big eight seater at my disposal
I have decided to cover school runs
So this morning I set off
And rounded up a bunch of kids
Took them to the school
And sat in the car park
With all the regularity guys
The guys who do school runs everyday
But I choose not to get out and chat with the regularity guys
Because I can’t be bothered
The conversation is often taxi related
One example is the deep suspicion of work distribution from the office
Many drivers think that there is a ‘golden elite’ of drivers
Who are fed the best work
From some agent in the radio room
When I hear this
Tedium covers me like descending warm treacle
They can never quite agree on who the ‘Golden Elite’ are
In fact one of the oft mentioned ones is the guy who I drove for last year
When I drove for him I started to become part of the talk
Because I am good at earning…if it is there to be earned
It became noticed that I was seldom at the main rank
Where they all hang out
One day when I was parked up at that rank
I was refered to directly as ‘Golden Boy’
I just laughed…
What else could I do?
They live in a fantasy world

I have thought this subject over
And the only scenario
That I could envisage
Would be for me to get Mrs Dial
To apply for a job in the radio room
Without revealing who she really was
Then I would have to tailor my work time with hers
Which would be difficult seeing as we are parents
With all that in place and nobody rumbling her
She would have to very carefully put work my way
But I am 1 taxi
The chances of me being in the viscinity every time there was a tasty job
Are slim
And the chances of her getting away with it for long
Are slim
In fact the bottom line is at the top
The overall boss of the company is so bored with this rubbish
That if he ever did find it going on
He would blow them away

After the school run
I headed into town
But was headed off by another job on the outskirts
It was a stray schoolboy who needed taking in
To one of the alternative learning schools
It was a little 8 year old Indian boy
He sat in the front
And talked about dinosaurs for the whole journey
He had a strange sort of squelsh sound from his palette
That made his words difficult to understand
So I tried my best to join in

When we got to the school
One of the staff was waiting outside
Three kids were already with her at the door
We stood at the back of the small crowd
Until the driver of the other three joined us
There was a pause
This was odd…cause we usually just wander in
“Did you all have a good journey?” she said to the kids
Then she looked at me
“Has he had a good journey?”
‘Yeah’…I patted him on the head ‘we talked about dinosaurs’
Then she held out a bunch of cards
She gave 3 of them to the other driver
And 1 to me
She did this a little hesitantly and without looking at us
The other driver just grabbed them and walked in
I stopped for a moment and looked at the card
It was a crude drawing of a car and stick boy with a big smile
It said
“Good Taxi Driver”
As we entered the hall
I was walking next to the woman
I gave her the card back
‘Sorry…I didn’t know what was going on there’
“Neither did I” She sighed

As I climbed back into the cab
The beeper went off
It was for a job 3 doors away from the school
Very handy
Of course I was most early
And caught the woman out
She wasn’t ready and took nearly 10 minutes
During which the advantage of brevity evaporated
She gave me a vague direction to go to the pavillion
During the journey
I calculated that the pedestrian cut through would be a gamble during the festival
So I went around
There was an instant reaction from the back
So I explained myself
Then I found out where she was actually going
Pinochios restaurant
I didn’t know where it was exactly
And she didn’t know the name of the street it was on
So according to her we were now lost
She didn’t know her way from this way
And it was ‘My’ fault
Once we had stumbled to a halt at a spot nearby
She pointed to it
I told her that I couldn’t remember ever having picked up or dropped off at that place
I simply didn’t know it was there
“Well it’s been there for years”
I could feel the ‘clitch-clitch’ of my shotgun loading
‘The name of the street would have helped’ I handed her the change

I drove to the main rank
And whiled away some time reading El Pais
Unlike our papers which are just as ‘fomer colonial’
El Pais takes a great deal of interest in South America
Or any Spanish speaking zones

I took a woman and her shopping home
A fair distance
Into the giant cul-de-sac that is Bevendean
On the way
I had cleared a job from the screen also in Bevendean
But due to the Giantness of the zone
And it’s speed bumped traffic management
It took me longer than usual to get there
I drove around the last corner
And wasn’t pleased at what I saw ahead of me
It was the Madman of Tivoli
Waiting by the side of the road
He was waving his arms
He was angry
When he got…as usual…in the front seat
The door slammed
And a volley fucks and cunts spewed from his mouth
Barking like a savage terrier
I manged to ascertain that the office had just recieved similar abuse
Because the cab was late
Generally when this guy is picked up
He is off to see ‘a bird’
And he needs to get there quick
A few of the drivers have speculated about this guy
As to whether he really is a hardman
Whether he might be a gangster
As the minutes passed
I managed to calm him down
Helped him see that cabs work this way for a reason
I made some good manouvres through the traffic
And his lost time seemed to be made up
Everything seemed to have smoothed down
He would soon be out…with his bird
Then the radio went…calling my number
And asking if I had picked up
Stupidly I answered that I had
What I really wanted to do was switch the radio off
Because I had a feeling of what was about to happen
But the button was on the passenger side
And I would have risked touching his leg
Which could have been disasterous
Then came the radio operator
With a speech…fully intended for the ears of the passenger
She refered to the abuse
He was already starting to fire up again
Then she told him that she had blacklisted him with all the cab companies
Then he went fucking ballistic
Smashing his fist on the dashboard and screaming
I started to make the last turn into the main street
That was right in my ear
“Stop the cab here!”
He gave me a tenner…and got out

I parked at the nearby rank
And sat quietly for a moment
Thinking over what I was going to say
When I am next in the same room as the woman from the radio

One more job from the supermarket
With a bunch of shopping
And a grumpy old lady
She was going on about a recent company merger
Of two of the big cab companies around here
I have heard one of them refered to as ‘Klu Klux Kabs’
Because they were nearly all white drivers
And they have now merged with a company
Who had an international array of drivers
She didn’t like it one bit
“I’m not a rascist but….”
Is the stock phrase
“I’m gonna be using your cab company from now on”
Just like I thought would happen
We have started to get the bigot business
And when I mentioned it to one of teir drivers
They admitted
That they have started losing trade since the merger
Which was intended to make them a more efficient proposition
Which we all feared would crush us
Or force us into merger
But nobody counted on the bigots