Tips & Temptation
Wednesday March 11th 2009, 7:36 am
Filed under: Uncategorized


I don’t mean monetary ones
Here is the first tip
You hit the dual carriageway or motorway
And your in a bit of a rush
You could do with a bit of speed
But could do without the risk of being caught
Taxi drivers… are for the most part
Very good at avoiding speeding tickets
Heres what to do
Stay in the slow lane for the time being
It won’t take long
Keep watching your mirrors
Pretty soon you will see an Audi approaching
Gunning it in the fast lane
Start to build up a bit of speed of your own
Then as he passes
Tuck in behind him and accelerate
Providing he hasn’t jumped into hyperspace
He should provide good cover for a good few speedy miles

Another tip
The Taxi small change bag
Is governed by a universal law
If you think it’s got a bit full
And therefore you have lots of change
And so might cash a load of it in for notes
Don’t do it
As soon as you do
The public will bombard you with notes
And you will find yourself tapping on another cabbies window
Waving a tenner
And asking for some more change

The last tip
When under pressure
Take a breath
Here’s an example
I picked up a couple
And took them across town
And dropped them at the top of restaurant street
The meter said £7-40
The guy in the back threw the money at me
It landed on the passenger seat
He then said
“I took this trip three times this week…
…both the other times…
…it was six fuckin forty”
Here’s where you take a breath
Because if I didn’t
I would have thrown the money back at him
Told him to get out of my fuckin cab
And then radio the office to have the cunt blacklisted
But I didn’t
I took a breath
Until the claxxon in my head had softened
Then I turned slightly and said
“The tariff on a Sunday starts a pound higher…
… I think you will find that is correct”
There was a period of silence
He sort of mumbled an apology
And got out

The following morning
I was waiting some time for a job
Sat in the town centre
I got a call to a seafront hotel
Out came a Woman
Blond hair…long coat
She sat in the front
Then came a few moments of intensity
She remarked that we had the same colour hair
Except that she dyed the top
And shaved downstairs
She then went on to say
That we needed to get back to her place quick
Because she had to get her daughters ready for school
Once she had done this
She was going to spend the rest of the morning masturbating
I could feel her looking into the side of my head
And laughing slightly
Most men might think
That this is great
Having some hot chick
Lure you into the ‘confessions of a taxi driver’
But it isn’t
It is very uncomfortable
And I stuck it out behind my sunglasses
Until the conversation changed
First onto the merits of vaporizing cannabis
And then onto the neutrality of cab drivers
I survived and collected a big fare

On returning to to town
I picked a job off the screen
It was one of my favourites
Probably the most cute child to travel in my cab
Since my return
She is called Dana
Looks about 7 years old
When she got in
I complimented her on her hair cut
It was short blonde and sunbleached
Contrasting against a mild tan
She said she didn’t like it
She wanted it to grow back long like all the other girls
I asked her if she had been on holiday
“Cuba…”
“Really…that sounds great”
“It was rubbish…
…all I could eat was ice cream…
…and all the dogs were on their own”
I tried to point out that the dogs have more fun with each other
Than they do being dragged around on a lead
She looked out of the window
And changed the subject
“What time did you get up this morning?”
“Six o clock” I said
“I got up at five o clock”
“Wow…what did you do with yourself for all that time?”
Thinking she was going to say she watched the telly or something
“Well I had to get the key for the bathroom from my mums bedroom”
“What…you lock the bathroom?”
“Yes and the key is in mummy’s room”
“And then I got the key for the kitchen…so I could make my breakfast”
“What?…you lock the kitchen as well?”
“Yes…mummy locks all the rooms”
She then counted out all the rooms in the house
And said that they were all locked
I didn’t inquire any further



Back in the Swing
Wednesday March 04th 2009, 7:49 am
Filed under: Uncategorized


Misty day didn’t feel right
First job of the day
Massive argument at the rank

If I was under any illusions that this job isn’t stressful
To hammered in the nail
The temperature on the dashboard said 8 degrees C
But outside there was a freezing sea breeze
Accompanied by a vague mist
I went to my patient morning rank and waited
Soon a woman jumped in and we went to the hospital
As we arrived
I noticed that there was a space at the back of the rank
The woman then instructed me to drop her just there
So I did
Then I noticed another cabbie approaching my window
I could see behind me…two parked cabs
I assumed everything was fine
But no
I dropped the window
And this cabbie proceeded to have a right go at me
His point was
That I wasn’t allowed to drop someone at a rank
I wasn’t aware of this rule
And told him so
And then I began to wonder if the two cabs had already been there
Maybe this was why he was so angry
I became confused
He continued his tirade
And wouldn’t acknowledge any apology or explanation
When people do this and refuse to reason or discuss
I lose it
And I did
I told him to fuck off
I barked it out like an alsation would do
He continued
I told him to fuck off again
And was about to get out of the car
Then the carnage warning monitor started flashing in my head
I started the car and drove off
No doubt I was now black balled at the hospital rank
By those who think
That because I don’t have a pot belly and a double chin
I am some inexperienced young gun
Out to take the piss
That was my first job of the morning

Next I picked up a Yorkshire chap
And we rambled on about Hull City
And the North

Then I took a bit of a run
To collect a girl from the north east side of town
When I got there
The wide dual carriageway was under works
And the traffic was being managed in some way
But I became distracted by the passenger
And didn’t fully take note
I was in one lane that was switching direction
When I tried to pull out
A car passed me
With that familiar passing ‘face of fury’
Grimacing and slavering
Wild eyed with hate
Dripping with metalic menace
Like Alien breathing steam onto the window
I looked at the passenger
And shook my head
“Was there any need for that?”

I dropped at the station
And went on another run
Collecting a man from a primary school
I jinked my way down to the seafront
For some welcome freshly baked sunrise
That panned it’s way through the window
Most pleasant
I looked to my left
There was a man trying to flag down the cab
He was standing outside the Metropole hotel
I gave him my occupied signal
A two palm wave
He could see this
And surely the passenger next to me
Yet he still threw his briefcase to the floor in anger
I sighed and looked at my passenger
“This has been some start to the morning”
“Maybe I should have thrown you out and picked him up”
I dropped the passenger
And whizzed back to pick up the madman
He was still there
I took him across town
And he paid me almost double

A period of taxi stalemate followed
And I sat in the car
Which had now turned into a makeshift Michel Thomas Spanish class
About four lessons later
I had drifted to the front
And in got a Burunmuchstansinger
That is my code for a woman who looks like a potato
She was grim and ordered
And directed me to the synagogue
She seemed in a huff because I couldn’t discern between the three synagogues
They are all in Hove
And are properly within a stones throw of each other
So I gave a whogivesashitshrug
It crossed my mind
That I would like to know
Why they are all so close together
But I wasn’t going to ask the Burun

Ten fares and one tip
Was unusual
But seemed apt for the day
I tried to get out of the mindset
That it was ‘a bad day’
But I was sure that it was being generated
Outside of my juristiction

After another long gap
A heroin dealer got in
He took three phone calls during the journey
He was out of stash
But should be in clover by three o clock this afternoon
I dropped him at a block of low rises
Two girls hastily met him and followed him into a flat
All dealers who get into the cab
Think that they are being covert
But to me they are overt
I would love to tell them

Two scruffy oddballs got in at the rank
With several bags of groceries
It was odd to hear two men
Sit and talk about the expense difference of supermarkets
One of them was talking about the outrage at Asda
Of the Deer snack pot
They discussed it for a minute
What an exotic snack pot I thought…Deer
I wondered why they hadn’t called it Venison
I inquired about it
He laughed
“No no…dear…expensive”
“It was 30p then it went up to two quid”

A selection of chaps filled the cab
They were on a flat hunt
Not an easy thing to do in Brighton
We were soon held up by a car doing something odd at the lights
I decided to drive around them
“it’s a woman” the men said victoriously
“I’m saying nothing” I said
As a taxi driver I am a nothingist
But I will say
Something that I have noticed
General road courtesy
Seems to be largely between men
A lot of the hardnosed irreverent driving comes from the women
I don’t know… maybe I’m wrong
I’ll do a tally and report back
Are you a let through?…or a get through?

The last ride was a long one
From the hospital
An old Irish guy and his wife
At one point he started talking about the Army
He was talking about his friends in the Irish Guards
This kindled an old thought I had had
The Irish Guards is Stocked out with southern Irishmen
But is British
Does Eire have it’s own army?
He told me it did
But there is a big tradition in Ireland
For joining the British Army as a volunteer
It stems from world war two
During which the newly independent Ireland remained neutral throughout
But thousands of Irishmen flooded into Britain
To join and fight in the war
I asked if there was antipathy to those who didn’t join up
No… not at all was his reply
Ireland was split over a disagreement about the independence treaty
So it was all on principal
My font of knowledge was filled