Rehab Week
Saturday October 18th 2008, 4:09 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

This week was my first week of cardio rehab
Up to now there has been nothing to report
For some time all I have had to deal with is
A bit of burning muscle around the scars
A distinct lack of fitness
And a return of the stone in weight
That I lost during my hospital fast
(The food was too shit to eat)

Phase one was down at the hospital
I gathered my stuff together and caught the bus
Today was to be an introduction day
And I feared the boring worst
You should be able…in all cases
To opt for
Throw you in the deep end day
I would tick it every time

On the way
I decided that I best read the six page leaflet they gave me last time
It was packed with detail
About the upcoming seven weeks at the gym
There could be no mistakes with this amount of info

I entered the physio department
There scattered amongst the seats
Were my physio buddies
I was younger than all of them by perhaps 15 years
It was an isolating feeling
The elastic of my embarrassment was already beginning to stretch
I had barely settled when we were ushered into the gym
And seated in front of a presentation screen
As the preliminaries began
My previous distraction returned
The physio nurses…all women
They all have a strong slight male quality about them
Yet some of them are sort of…
I don’t know…look good at first glance
I switched on my primal bemothic sexual attraction plant
But there was nothing
It was like Earth radar
Searching for alien radio signals
You took all the physio nurses
And they all lived in their own country
You would consider them a race apart…I am sure

The introduction began
And for fucks sake… it was page for page
The same as the handout
In all it’s compressed detail
Further compounded by a nurse dissecting every detail
And enlarging on it
And then
15 minutes in
As if it came straight out of a Bill Bryson Observation Handbook
Came the exploded… very British debate
About how to get to the gym
The nurse opened it with a detailed drive through
Three different versions of…in the end
The last one included
A description of all the buildings on the lower marina
With the position of the bus stop
And the distance from bus stop to the gym
Everyone was chipping in
About how they were going to get there
Bus routes
Disagreements about bus routes
A five mintue debate solely on
Whether the bus from Saltdean was a 27 or a 47
And did it actually come down onto the marina
In the end it was of no use to the guy
Because it didn’t disembark from Newhaven
Then the second wave came
Where to park
My neck was having trouble holding my head up
Which car park…Asda or Multistory
But don’t park in McDonalds
How long…how much
At some point it must have broken free and continued back on track
And soon the slide show finished

We were then taken around the hospital gym
To some notices on the wall that were describing exercises
They were simple routines
And the nurse wanted us all to mimic her movements in a mime of the action
I stood at the back…not wanting to join in…it was silly
But in the end…me and all the old men…were standing there doing silly miming actions
It ended
The elastic of my embarrassment hauled me out of the fire exit

The next day I was back on my way to see the nurses of Valhalla
This time I was going to a different gym
The one on the Marina
The closer I got…my confident self ebbed away
I entered and signed my name on the rehab register
My first self conscious moment
I reached the cafe lounge area upstairs
And seated myself amongst the many old folk
I was alone…again the youngest by miles
A nurse came up and took my blood pressure and pulse
I held out my left hand and she looked at the long scar down my arm and laughed
Oh there isn’t one there anymore…she said
That remark came as a surprise
I was also surprised that she was a proper feminine physio
And she lived down the same road as me
As we chatted I could hear the bods around me
They were discussing in detail…the journey to the gym…and where they had all parked
Sitting back in the couch with my arm clamped in the pump
I began to shrink again
More of the fighting fit middle class gym users were coming in
What was I doing amongst all these old folks eh?
Why was I struggling so…with this situation?
I nipped off and got changed
And was the first one in the gym
I was given a heart monitor to strap on
And a blue ‘first timer’ sash to wear
The rest of them filed in and got strapped up
And the session began
I had a heart rate target to meet
But the routine was hardly causing it to move
So I had to speed up
While they were all doddering around
I was dashing about
And again started to feel self conscious
I thought I could hear them making jokey remarks about me
I couldn’t win
Hot chocolate with Kung Fu Fighting
Followed by Tavares then worst of all
Doing walking star movements to Stars on 45
There was no escaping
I was in a disco driven OAP exercise class

It ended
Then we had to have a 45 minute talk by a dietitian
But at last I got something out of it
The talk was again mostly patronising
She tried to get us to join in with games
And waved around plastic copies of food

But when I returned home
I switched on the net
And had a good look at calorie intake
And then calorie burning
It was very surprising and interesting
It’s not something most men do
Mostly the burden of the fat housewife
But I was taken by it
And started to apply the counting straight away
The information these days is comprehensive
Making the task simple
And I can say for certain
At the end of the first day of counting
I properly enjoyed my evening meal

Bane of the Month
Friday October 10th 2008, 3:57 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized


It is good to be a Tigers fan these days
In fact my reaction to those to back to back wins in the capital
First Arsenal and then Tottenham
Was one of pissing myself laughing
It was hard to grasp the reality of it
So I just giggled
Such has been the football poverty
Of that big famished city

And just after the Spurs win
It was most reassuring to see
That we were still second favourites for the drop @ 8/11 on
But then it all went wrong
We went and won the Manager of the Month award
The poison chalice
The Bane of the Month
But was it?
So far all I have heard on this subject is anecdotal chat
Usually by the pundits
So I checked it out
First I came upon a Guardian article on the subject
It was a comprehensive write up
And a few paragraphs in it poo-pooed the idea of the MOM hoodoo
And then backed it up with stats
My spirits lifted for a moment
Until I noticed that his stats were all about the run of games after the award
No no no…that’s not what I am interested in
This guy is not thinking straight
Any football fan would be solely focused on the next game only
Because if you can break that one
The award will be forgotten
I decided to work it out for myself


Not good
The stats from the last two years bear it out
Out of the last twenty awards
Half of the teams
Who were previously on a good run of form
Were punched into a hole of defeat the very next game after the award
Of the remaining half
Six (30%) went on to win
30% is not too bad you might think
But of those six
Only one of them was outside of the big four (Man City and Sven)
Even Man Utd…who don’t lose very often
Lost after two out of their four awards
So the 50% still applies in their case
So the net hope for Hull City to beat West Ham this weekend is 5%
But Hull City have been bending and twisting all the predictions so far
Maybe we can keep it up and join Man City
If I was manager
I would present that Barclays blue globe to Zola at the start of the match
Here’s a present…to remind you of your visit
We don’t need it anyway
We’re undermutts

Idle Notions
Thursday October 09th 2008, 3:40 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Three tips for the week
From an idle man
Actually I am far from an idle man
It’s hard for a man to be idle when he can’t relax

The first thing was a computer matter
The other day
A virus appeared
One of those that preys on the needy
Because on Sunday I really needed free streaming access to the Hull City game
I went through piles of links
It worked last week
But not this
Live streaming access is a vague affair
I haven’t found a one stop shop
Nor even reasonable quality when I have
But during this particular clickathon
I was snared
A windows logo alert appeared
I sighed a big billowing sigh
And made a note of the trojan and googled it
Only three listings appeared…a surprise
Maybe it was red hot new
However I was directed to Malwarebytes
Which is free and which I had
So I set it on a lengthy scan
Later on in the evening the logo box appeared again
My fist hit the table
My patience ripped under the weight
Those heinous virus makers
Are now ranked lower than parking attendants
Because they invade my home
Giving me problems
When I have done nothing wrong
There was a moment the other day
When I looked on malwarebytes with slight fondness
Warmly reminding myself of problems solved
Almost considered buying the pro version
But I slapped myself out of that one
Remember your fucking principals Dial!
These assholes created this industry out of fresh theoretical air
Pretty much the same as charging you to park outside your own home
They then backed it up with a mass hysterical scaremongering campaign
It’s like paying racketeers not to kick your head in
It really is
Well fuck that
I’ll tell you what I’m doing
I’m getting the mobile computer man
To come around and list the vital driver components for a Windows reload
And I will become conversant in wipe and reload
It’s better this way
Because it’s not only the virus thats slowing it down
It’s more often old program debris

The second thing
Is my fridge
I bought it second hand
And it’s not great
It freezes up too quickly
We will fight the ice back with a butter knife
For maybe six weeks
Then give in
And within days a door bulging glacier forms
Until today
Defrosting was a reluctant thing
Because you would have to time it with a near empty fridge
Because it took all day to defrost
And this morning I started thus…reluctantly
Five minutes in and I had a bout of word association
On radio 5 I heard the words Alex Ferguson
Then I thought of something
I stood in front of the fridge
With a hairdryer…for ten minutes
And that’s all it took
It must have changed the general temerature enough
For all of the ice to fall off within a couple of hours

And the third success
Resolved my own indecision
I was looking through the Friday Ad list
For a mobile computer man
There were 18 adverts
Trying to pick one was making my skin tighten
So I turned to a web page
And a Random Number Generator
I felt so relieved to hand over my decision
Advert No7…looked ok… didn’t answer the phone
Advert No12…looked ok
A gamble called Brian
He rang me today
And then popped by on his way to somewhere
He handed me a disc
And told me the instructions were on the printout
Then he left… waving as he went
My random number had given me a freebie
And Brian has been noted

A few more weeks of idleness
Could reform my entire life

Before I go
I need to share this
Two girls singing a song by the Fleet Foxes